Hazel contemplates death and oblivian
by Scarath0nia
Summary: My first Fault in our stars fanfic. This is just what I think Hazel would have thought about after Augustus died. I thought a bit of Gus would have rubbed off on Hazel. Hope you enjoy. ONE-SHOT


I don't know when this will end, I may not be dead yet, but I'm deep within my own oblivion. Augustus Waters is…_was…_my star crossed lover. I don't understand how you can love someone so much and yet they can be torn from your life. In these moments I think of how every day you see someone and this could be the last time you see them. It could be the last time you hear them speak, or laugh, or cry, you could lose them and have to try and remember that last moment forever. When someone you love dies, you try and remember the little things about them because that is all you'll have left of their laugh, cry of _them_. We think we have the worst lives and that it'd be easier to end it ourselves, but there is always someone who has a worse life, worse problems. These people carry on as if nothing is painful in their lives; you couldn't guess they had problems, and in fact you'd assume those that make a fuse about their minimal issues have the major dilemmas. I wish he'd come back, I wish it were all a dream. Why are we put on this earth; just to love and watch those who we love die? It seems a never ending- painful- cycle. I fell for Gus, he died, I will die, my parents will grieve, my cousins, friends everyone who cares about me will feel this crushing pain that leaves me gasping for air when I cry. Gus dying could literally kill me; when I cry about him, I have trouble breathing so it plays up with my lungs.

I see the most random things and they remind me of him. I hear and smell things that remind about Augustus Waters for no apparent reason and sometimes I'll just remember something all on my own. Sometimes only the thought of someone can break you, make your knees weak with despair; leave you clutching a chair or bench to stop yourself from sinking to the floor in anguish. Thanks to Augustus water, I question everything. I question why children love bright colours; what do colours do for people? Nothing. I hear about people getting vaccinations, what's the point? You're going to die anyway. I see dieses as nature's way of keeping the population in check. Nature's way of preventing over population. I'm not saying it's a good thing for people to die before their hearts give out of their own accord; I'm just saying if your terminal anyway; why fear it? We should teach young children that if they get a sickness that will kill them, they shouldn't be scared, that they shouldn't feel they need to leave an impression on the world, because they will leave an impression on the people they love and the people who love them. That's all we need to do, because you don't get to choose if you get hurt in this world, but you do have some say in who hurts you. (Yes (sorta- took out the "old man" part) direct quote… well not the "That's all we need to do. Because-" but yeah)

I want to be that relatively happy teenage girl who's going to die and who doesn't get upset about it, who is strong in the face of death, but I can't be that girl anymore because now I know what those who love me will live through. It'll be worse for Isaac, he cares about me and cared for Gus, one of his two best friends is dead and the other is on their way to death; to oblivion. I told Augustus that I was a grenade and that I wanted to minimalize the damage I left in my wake and it seems I have only drawn people in, only captured their hearts to destroy them and leave them with the pain of loss hanging over their heads like the plague. Sometimes I wish I'd never met Augustus Waters and then I think better of it. If I hadn't met Gus, I would have stayed depressed; not caring about the world because I was going to leave it, leave it like everyone else only earlier than most of the people. Augustus gave me a forever with in a number of days, and I thank him for that everyday. I do not have a bad life, despite the fact that I'm going to die before I've had the chance to really live. I was not abused in any way, shape or form; people who have been abused think they have a bad life, that they aren't worth anything (not meant to upset people who may have been abused- I'm going off of what people in general say about abuse victims even though they themselves probably have not been abused… people who haven't been abused don't understand what those who have go through… just wanted to make that clear), that anything would be better than living with those memories; well even if you've been abused you get to live and make a life for yourself, you can keep the memories at bay, use your past to make you stronger rather than let it crush you… I can't, I'm going to die before I'm 18, before I can fall in love (again), before I can get married and have children. Abuse victims have a say in their life, they can sink or swim; those who are terminal don't have a say, they will die before their life has fully began, yes they can end it themselves before the deise does but why do that when you can make the most of it before your drop off the radar? I believe every person in the world has a light, and when they die, that light goes out, every minute on average 108 people die. These 108 lights going out are replaced by about 265 lights coming on. That means 157 more people are born each minute than those who die. So when our time finally comes 107 other people will be drawing their last breaths and 265 people will be taking their first. I understand why we all have our lights put out, the human population is about 7,223,120,110, that's 7,223,120,110 lights on and 259,200 deaths a day. Without those 259,200 deaths, we would not have enough oxygen to sustain us, people would need somewhere to live so trees and natural habitats would be cut down- destroyed, leaving us less oxygen and more carbon dioxide. We would inevitably die out as a species, along with the animals, so when you die remember you are helping fuel those who are left. Augustus Waters left his mark; he- by dying didn't take up as much of the resources we need to survive, therefore giving us all life. The fault is in our stars, our deaths are the fault of fate because we can do nothing about our demise; we don't have a choice in when our lights go out.

**The part about disease preventing over population was stolen from ****Polka-dot Pippin (we talk a lot and it came up in a conversation recently). Please let me know what you think, I hope you enjoyed it. A friend (not sure about the others) has wanted me to write a fanfic for The fault in our stars, she liked it, but you know that's only one person. Review please!**

**~Scarath0nia**


End file.
